I was listening to some audio of “4 Hour Work Week” author, Tim Ferriss who shared a very frightening fact about our digital age we live in…

“People that were stoned scored 6 points higher on an IQ test than people who were interrupted by email.”

I’ve been considering this for quite some time. I’m taking about a “technology cleanse” and I have already begun phase 1 of this.

Right now I’m in the process of determining what I need and what I don’t need in my day to day and one thing I know for certain is that I’d like to be more productive and efficient with my time management skills. I’d like to be able to use these skills to give space and dedication for my creative side to grow its own garden. In cleansing (or giving a good ringing out I should say) my habitual usage and dependability of technology, giving myself specific times/days to email, dramatically decreasing my being so readily available via the Blackberry I once adored (the same one I currently feel tempted to throw out my car window while driving at a very high speed), and spending far less time mindlessly exploring or even researching on the computer, my time immersed in these things will be far more productive and I will, as a result, get to jump fully into the other areas in my life that I’ve determined to be of great importance (see previous blog).

After actualizing and putting some of these intentions to work, I came across my friend, Gwen’s (gwenbell.com) blog where she shared about her month long “Digital Sabbatical”. Needless to say, it further inspired me. Of course it looks differently for her than it will for me and as it should for the next person based on our personal needs.

Many of the (small and large) shifts I’m experiencing really came about when I asked myself a question I’d heard over the years (only this time, I took it seriously and began to answer it fearlessly and honestly. Of course that question in full is,

“What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?”

Beneath the excuses, the stories, the excuses, the mind games, the EXCUSES… I just answered the question… if you KNEW, Sanieh, you couldn’t fail… if you had NOTHING in the way including the glitches of your mind that make it hard as hell to even *begin* to answer this question (never mind from your HEART!),
what would DO in YOUR LIFE?

So, I started writing.

And then I started looking at day to day things that were in my way.

I’ve always been good, excellent actually, with money management for the most part but I immediately saw where I needed to make better use; OPTIMUM use of my TIME because with this element, the rest won’t add up in my in the most optimum way in my world.

The result of this, well, it will be ongoing.

A *FEW* things on my current list of life goals “Sanieh’s Top 100” (some were pre existing, some were added after answering the above question) look something like this:

*do nothing I don’t love
*fulfill a Sepia IRA annually
*take abstract art lessons
*discover a lucrative outlet for writing
*go to University, earn a degree
*go to Italy
*eat at Café Gratitude in San Francisco
*drink a frozen hot chocolate at Serendipity in NYC
*reconnect with voice lessons with Marci
*record another CD
*get invention patent/pp
*own a “creative outlet” home in Colorado

And on my list of what I’d like to spend more of my time doing in my day to day:

*paint more
*enroll in abstract art classes
*sing and play my guitar more
*complete the many books I’ve started reading but haven’t actually finished
*read all of the other unread books in my office
*write more
*continue to strengthen my running skills and endurance

It’s taken me YEARS to come to this discovery but only recently did I *fully* awaken to the fact that I’m not *just* a yoga teacher. It’s part of me, yes, and somehow it’s afforded me so much including living a “rich man’s lifestyle” as my friend Gioconda once put it, but I’m so much more than *just* that.

Really?

Crazy.

For so long I’ve kept myself in a self defining box and I answered only to that name so to speak. The exciting part of all of this is that there are so many areas and talents I’ve yet to explore and develop. So many things I excel at and don’t even know it yet! I feel like it’s my responsibility to fully explore and then fully express my potential in the world. I seriously feel more intelligent having made this discovery and I couldn’t be more excited about the fact that it’s inspired FORWARD MOVEMENT towards goals, some of which would have ***never*** made my list due to perceived lack of inability. But because I unabashedly answered the question for myself, it unlocked a whole WORLD of possibility and THAT excites me.

So while I’m at it…

I’m also considering a week of zero texting since that’s been a big one for me. It’s not about the “zero” texting as much as it is about retraining the brain and it’s habit. Not only have I spent far too much time in the txt world for my liking, but the habit has also trained some people in my world that they can reach me rather immediately this way. It’s been a hard habit to break and I’ve found myself explaining to people “No I’m not pissed off or upset with you, I’m just no longer keeping my PDA on my hip all the time!”. I’m also retraining my brain so that I know it’s actually OK not to feel the *need to JUMP every time the phone vibrates.

For me, it’s one thing to answer a quick question via txt. It’s an entirely different situation to carry on conversation via txt when the phone is already in my hand. Not only does it decrease room for error in communication, but it’s more personal and to the point and it’s actually a huge time savor because in *theory* one can talk and DRIVE for example as oppose to the other illegal and dangerous acts (a whole other conversation, clearly).

Phase 2 of technology cleanse:

The following is what I WON’T be doing (thanks, Gwen for helping me phrase that properly):

*keeping phone to my hip at all times
*holding txt conversations
*checking email or any other form of technology status immediately upon rising
*spending random time on the computer researching, emailing etc

WHAT I WILL BE DOING/RETRAINING MY BRAIN AND HABITS:

*check email at designated times on my computer rather than Blackberry
*”unsubscribing” to email lists I’ve managed to add myself to over the years (during designated email times of course since I can’t remember which one’s I’m on until I see their friendly reminders in my inbox)
*spending more time activating and actualizing my creativity
*practicing lots of yoga and meditating more
*joyfully reading all of the many books I’ve started
*taking art classes, reconnecting with voice and guitar teacher (What can I say? I’m a creative soul at heart.)
*writing, a LOT

So there it is. September is here, it’s hot as hell in the ATX and, well, the time is now.

The time is now.

(Newsletter is being sent out this week. Be sure to sign up for updates on some big events headed your way in September and October

July 2010 Dave Re photography

I have a confession to make. I’ve been resisting myself and my instincts of what I’ve known in my heart to be some of the better choices for myself; and I’ve been doing so for months. For years in some ways but let’s stay on point.

In recent weeks, the changes I’ve set in motion have begun coming into fruition and while some of those things happened in ways I wouldn’t have chosen, I can see quite clearly that they are in fact still the changes I intentionally set in motion; the end result; the changes themselves.

One of the biggest things I’ve come to realize is that there is a time, for all things, when a door must be closed. I’ve also come to learn that it’s not only *not*an ending, but a beginning to something else. I’ve even heard it coined a “Promotion” …to the next great thing.

I had a moment in Mexico, as I stood at the beach break where the ebb would pull all of the water away and the flow would bring it crashing half way up my body. I had a moment where I realized that it’s OKAY to CLOSE THE DOOR. It’s OKAY.

Sometimes the conscious mind knows these things might be necessary but the heart gets confused on the rest. Then again, I do believe it’s the heart that always knows so maybe it’s the other way around.
Since my return I’ve set into full forward movement (even though I’m unsure of the rest as far as details although there certainly are “goals”…keep reading…) a little door closure of my own with parts of my life that have taken on a life of their own. While the full expression of these things don’t take full form over night, I so completely believe that in setting intentions, I’ve been given energy to do the necessary things to step into the next big thing(s) in my life.

It’s time to start really honoring myself. It’s time that I begin to really step into my fullest potential.
When we finally stop resisting ourselves; our internal instincts and begin to listen to what the internal nav system trying to tell us, THEN we enter a flow state. Let me say that again…

THE MOMENT WE STOP RESISTING OURSELVES AND OUR INTERNAL INSTINCTS OF WHAT WE *KNOW* but steadily deny, WE ENTER THE FLOW STATE.

I’ve been resisting myself and my internal navigation system out of fear and out of habit. I’ve put myself in a mask wearing container with limitations of possibility written all over it, for years. Perhaps our mask wearing was necessary at one point in our lives; perhaps it even protected us from harm. But now, I see where it’s kept me from reaching the stars.

Fear of the uncertainty, fear of the internal and external expectation, fear of the fear. It’s an endless, miserable cycle. And now, I stop it.

I want to be one of those few people who I’ve come across in my life who are so whole heartedly playing full out and living like they were dying…

LIMITLESS LIVING

I want to be one of those people. Another moment I had in Mexico was the tearful realization that I could have been so much more when I was younger (that’s another story for another time) and while my parents always did the best they could and knew how to do, there wasn’t a whole lot expected of me given the circumstances. There wasn’t a standard I had to meet really. While certain things were definitely important and encouraged, I didn’t really push myself and I wasn’t being pushed. But I too had a journey I had to go on and today is a new day.

This really is an entirely different story so to stay on point and focused in my writing I should just state that I finally came to understanding of where my adult ambition and drive comes from.
I’ve got something to prove…

To myself

Most recently, and this has been brewing but I’ve finally stepped into it I think, is the realization that it’s really NEVER TOO LATE.

When this started to soak in, I recently found myself reviewing my most current goals. I went through and completely deleted many of them because they simply no longer apply and are unimportant to me now. I recognized where I had goals that weren’t even completely within my power to attain and goals that were, in part, means of seeking outward approval that would in no way, at the end of the day give me a sense of personal accomplishment too far beyond that.

How about goals that allow me to tap into the potential I was meant to explore, become aware of and celebrate?! How about THAT? Needless to say I was in awe, surprised, mildly embarrassed and shocked going over this list. I’ve been updating my goals with fresh, more personally meaningful ones and while the updated list isn’t as large in size, it’s much larger in heart.

It’s almost strange in that my confidence and sense of accomplishment has already increased based on these personal discoveries. I’m excited to be looking at stepping into some things that I never thought I’d do maybe because I never allowed myself to dream them possible. I’m exciting for what I’m preparing for; what I will be taking on and committing my full attention and dedication to and what will unfold within the next few months into the New Year as a result.

While I’m out of the resistance state (finally) and in more of an actual state of flow as intended (you know you’re in flow because there is an EASE of life…not to mistake with “easy”, but an ease over an internal FIGHT) and headed somewhere, I know that anything and everything is possible once I stop resisting and get out of my own way. I’m excited for that potential as well.

ps-*** Huge Thanks to everyone who supported, voted, and shared in excitement for my being voted by Austin Fit Magazine as one of Austin’s Top 10 Fittest. Thank you all so much for your love and support. It’s so wonderful being recognized as an athlete with yoga as a foundation and being able to put an additional perspective of what being FIT means. You can view the online version here but you will see the actual magazine offers a more full, 2-page version with more photos. The current issue (with Susan Dell on the cover) will be in Whole Foods, Central Market, etc until the end of the month before the next issue comes out.***

I remember when I went to Bali, Indonesia last year where I met 15 other woman from all over the world to go on a surf retreat. While most days were spent around the surf, there was time for us to venture off into different areas to enjoy culture, hikes, adventure and art. I remember a day in particular where the idea of travelling to Ubud came up.

Ubud is the culture, the “real” Bali if you will. I consider Ubud to be to Bali what Hilo is to the Big Island of Hawaii…the “local” side. Many of the ladies had done their homework in advance which for all but one, meant reading “Eat, Pray, Love”.

If you’ve read the book, you know that Wayan the healer operates her practice in Ubud. The excitement was building on the way, the girls wanted to share in Elizabeth’s experience and see what Wayan had to offer. We travelled in two taxis so by the time ours arrived, there were four of us trekking down the intimate streets of Ubud way past the fabulous market place in search of this now famous healer.

Finally, we found ourselves beneath the sign of Wayan’s practice when one of the girls abruptly announced she was there to see the healer asking how much it would cost and how long a session would be. I remember looking up the stairwell to see Wayan herself in conversation with one of her workers (her operation also includes a café of traditional Balinese healing foods)… I’m sure there was mention of “crazy American’s “ in there somewhere!

During our short wait, in my growing discomfort, I announced to the group that I would be leaving. “This isn’t my story” I said. “This is someone else’s story and everything about it is telling me to get up and leave it as such.” Summer concurred and we both took the pass and spent some time down the street at Bali Buddha, a sweet little coffee house overlooking the streets of Ubud while we waiting for the rest of our group to fulfill their wish.

I think about this often in relation to life purpose fulfillment. Everyone has a story and we all have Karmas being played out with one another and within our life situations and experiences. If I resist what is happening, I miss the boat of my purpose or what the Gita refers to as “duty”. And if I miss that boat then I potentially ruin it not only for myself but for the person who is meant to move forth and fulfill whatever it is that I move forward *from. In other words if I chase something that isn’t mine to chase, energetically I lose sight and the opportunity of bringing myself into alignment with the natural draft that is the flow or intended unfolding of my life and others (since we are all connected). But we have choices. I believe free will parallels the path of life purpose for better and for worse. It just *is*. There are many paths to the same place…some a little easier or more challenging than others but the crackling seed within is a steady reminder of the direction we are *meant* to travel.

Resistance can be a tricky thing. When fear is involved it adds an entirely new element.
But there’s always a time for a cycle to complete itself.

I’ve been taught that this phase is the “Shiva” phase; dissolution due to completion. It doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It’s just a natural part of any process or project. In my life, I can see where fear sets in out of uncertainty, insecurities and ultimately, lack of trust. But when TRUST *is* present, the rest is non-existent. Thus it’s some of my greatest work to continue to develop trust. Not only in the process but in listening to my instincts which means moving from a place of abundance rather than scarcity or fear as I’ve said out loud to myself so many times before.

A few days before the very first time I surfed (in Malibu), someone taught me to dive under the wave rather than attempting, unsuccessfully, to jump over (against) it. Trust is something like this first pre-surf lesson…the micro minute lesson that changed my entire relationship to the water element which in turn allowed me to be introduced to the surf at all. In my work to stay aligned by staying in the peaceful state of trust, I find myself swimming with the current instead of against the crashing wave. May Spirit grant me the grace and serenity to remember this.

“As you look back on your life, know that you’ve failed at nothing–all you’ve done is produce certain results. You can send love to those who were hurt by you, and forgiveness to yourself to heal your inner agony. You can view it all as what you needed to experience in order to get to a higher place.”

– Dr. Wayne Dyer

Date Reminders:
Sunday July 25th- Fluid Back Bend Mandalas in San Antonio
Saturday July 31st- Core Cultivation and Handstand Play in Austin
Out of the country co-hosting retreat in Mexico Aug1-Aug8

(musical beauty begins at the 35 second mark…)
Likely to be a good long term idea anyway, I was contemplating what the month of June has taught me

Anything is possible. For better and for worse.

A good keening cry a few times over, can be some of the best cleansing therapy ever.

Two things and two things only bring aggression out of my dog: 1) cats. 2) the dog who followed me into my apt one evening without my knowing

Never leave anything of importance in your car in East Austin …even at 6am on a Monday morning…it could turn into a very expensive day.

Sometimes the best thing in the world is a “forced” letting go… and in that place I find…

…Emptiness can be bliss.

Global Warming is real.

Learning and applying what it means to run in an aerobic state has changed my entire relationship to running in the best and most rewarding way.

Closure is really Opening.

A week can make all the difference in the WORLD.

Boundaries. Boundaries. Boundaries.

I’m most content with LESS. This has not changed.

I am a teacher not my choice, but by action of my own doing, living, and being. Anything outside of this is not my job to teach.

My practice *has come a million miles. For this I am grateful for the difficulties on the journey for which my responses proved this to be true.

I actually *enjoy a 5:45am run at Town Lake…double plus when with a willing and excited friend.

Choosing to FEEL over numbing = EMPOWERING.

I have really wonderful friends.

I am far more deserving than what the lies of my mind sometimes indirectly suggest.

There is rejuvenation, direction and inspiration to making vision boards, drawing lines in the sand, mantras, sound therapy, smiling, giving and helping someone in need, cleaning the house and sleeping in.

Re-commitment to meditation and prayer is of the essence.

Only when my mind is sound does the rest of me work properly.

Feeling sad is not the same as being unhappy.

Some would rather run in discomfort then sit in discomfort. I’m learning when to choose the “hard right over the easy left”.

I love hand standing in nature over and over and over and over and over and over again….

A shift in alter arrangement can serve as a shift in conscious arrangement.

James Bailey is the best Ayurvedic practitioner I know.

I *can in fact swim the freestyle…

My body is getting stronger, my mind is getting stronger and my heart is getting stronger…and they are all paralleling the strength of my Spirit.

In all things, LIKE has just as much relevance as LOVE does.

Waking up and smiling is one of my most prized blessings.

Layla’s love and getting to take care of her trumps all.

I’d rather have more face time than txt/email time with people.

The real work is finding freedom (and sometimes forgiveness) to boldly step into who we are in truth and honesty, without hesitation.

Vitamin D in the form of the Sun Goddess is a miracle worker.

Avocados and Mangos are nature’s proof of loving us.

Something within me, one of my suppressed gifts, is dying to be birthed.

God truly is in the details; my breath, soft eyes, love and all that surrounds me…not in a figurine.

You might not know me well if you don’t know that I’m actually a very private person. In the nature of my work, I find it not only impossible not too but necessary to open up my life to an extent if I want to reach people on a deep and honest level of any kind but still, there are some things I save for myself. In part, to keep a level of privacy and in part because my own inner judge fears ill be judged for sharing those personal “real” moments. I’ve spent many years trying to convey that yoga teachers are human beings too yet it appears that some try to hide behind a mask of unbreakable perfection or a pain free life in full lotus position but in their defense, many students hold us up that silly and unreasonable standard.

Allow me to shatter that standard for you right now if it hasn’t already been done.

I’m sitting under a tree outside barton springs. This is the first time I’ve left my house (with one small exception) since I forced myself to teach classes on friday. I called a friend and had him come get my dog because she was freaking out over my upset and I just needed to be selfish and die inside for a moment. A few days before as events started to unravel, I was already skipping out on personal commitments to myself like swim group and I missed run group on saturday as well. Even the things that we love participating in take a back seat at times like these…even when they seem to be the very things we *should be doing.

Right now, I’m just happy to feel the breeze of nature and to receive its gifts; its proof of love (and as I edit this, I’m equally happy to have just gotten out of the shower…not sure what the link to sadness and bad hygene is but I’m happy to be feeling clean again anyway!)

I heard Seane Corn say “we must forgive ourselves for thinking we should have know better” and that “we must thank those who hurt us so badly that we end up on our knees because we’re drawn closer to Spirit because of them”.

There is a person in this world, who my heart has loved who over the years, appearing to have grown from their own personal struggles and pains, makes surprising visits into my life and sudden, shocking and painful exits. Each time I open up my energy up to them and each time, I’m brought to my knees as a result.

How is it that the very people whose presence in our lives make us feel better and more alive and more loved than ever before, can be the very people whose presence has the ability to strip us naked to the most vulnerably painful state ever?

Yoga teaches us to feel what we are feeling, instead of numbing it. Some people (on both ends of the spectrum) would hide behind comfort of food, alcohol, sex, drugs…any number of things. I can understand why though because this pain of a bleeding *anything* HURTS. Its debilitating in a way.

The last few days I’ve felt the intense need to clean out my home and get rid of a LOT-and I don’t have a lot of *stuff* to begin with. Already my pantry has been cleaned out and even a bag full of buddha and diety statutes sit on my floor awaiting their next home but I’m still itching… I still feel the need to “let go”. I keep telling myself I need to connect to Source…and continue to breathe from the back body into my heart. And I don’t mean that In a way in which some practices place outside of themselves…I mean the essence within myself that knows, trusts and has the ability to go deeply into understanding that this happening; it’s not about me, that this person’s hurt is simply playing out in a destructive fashion that was a personal fear of their own manifested and that I’ve allowed myself to be open to it…far deeper than my own thinker can. The need to strip myself of external to come deeper into my own feeling-even if its pain…and to relearn how to feel it and not run from it…and to notice the way in which I might be tempted to do so…is in full affect.

It’s true that we are emotionally responsible to those who we share our lives with. We are accountable to the fulfillment of the messages we send to the world around us and in our personal relationships. This is true yet my practice (over and over again) and perhaps my karma is to find means to peace within when the door of my heart has joyfully been knocked down only to wake up in an empty, dark cave alone with no explanation wondering what the fuck just happened. Its not about *me* so why do I suffer so greatly? Because I’m human. With a beating heart, who feels pain.

And to some degree, I invited this in. To a large degree, I see where I lacked personal, energetic and emotional boundaries… I too have to hold myself accountable.

I’m almost embarrassed to share this out loud…but whatever. Its real and nothing new to the world and chances are you’ve experienced it just the same…just because I teach yoga doesn’t mean I’m immune or any better or exempt from these experiences. I just get to go deeply into self study for a living, that’s all.

If there’s a phrase I use more than any other its “real world yoga”. We are “house holders”.

I’ve spent 10 days with uninterrupted 11 hours a day seated meditation in the Vipassana tradition taking vows of silence in body, speech and mind and have taken refuge in the buddha (meaning: taking refuge in the most *awakend part of myself* as the verb in sanskrit means to BE AWAKE) and even in doing so I still struggle with this mess. This is a real world situation where sitting under a tree at the springs with a puffy, swollen face and a swollen, bleeding heart trumps all and we feel it. We feel loss, we feel confusion, we feel longing and we still feel love for those ones we allow in no matter how responsibly or irrisponsibly they hold that space. We just feel it. And we learn to forgive ourselves for allowing our hearts to be so vulnerable because in truth, that’s what it means to love and in the end it’s about loving; how well we loved. Nobody will ask of themselves “how badly did I hurt from loving”, the pondered question will most likely be “how well did I LOVE?”

To say that doesn’t mean a free pass; that its ok to use big words and not hold up to them, send mixed and unclear messages or to turn a light switch out over night but it does mean that it *is* possibly part of what it means to flow with grace, beauty and with a fully open heart to the world in the name of loving people.

Nature and yoga. They aren’t cures, but its true that they sure make things a lot better in my world. I believe it was Mirabai (one of my favorites) who said,

“I know a cure for sadness:
let your hands touch something that
makes your eyes smile.
I bet there are a hundred objects close by
that can do that.
Look at beauty’s gift to us–
her power is so great she enlivens
the earth, the sky, our
soul.”

I can’t lie, I’m a little sad right now, but strangely and thankfully there’s now an arrival of calm and high awareness to nature around me in what Rumi would call “this guesthouse”. Someone once taught me that I have to look desperation and homelessness and darkness in the face to be able to recognize and feel the other side. I believe that and somehow feel gratitude in the wake of someone else’s fears and personal suffering that was played out. Gratitude for being pulled closer, even if it’s in desperation, into oneness with Spirit…(and strength and resilience) whatever that ends up meaning, feeling or looking like. I suppose that makes this person a great teacher in my life in a way.

Always,
Unabashedly with an open and sensitive heart
Sanieh

I woke up pretty exhausted this morning from staying up all night worrying over a friend who I uncharacteristically couldn’t get ahold of. I had a 5am wake up call in order to leave my home by 545am to make it to my rogue run group this morning. On the way, I get a call from my friend who lost his phone and just found it between his car seats letting me know he was in fact alive. We spoke of how dependent we are on technology,, the importance to “backing up” our lives, it’s benefits yet how scary it is that we don’t have to know anyone’s contact information anymore by memory and the importance to having another means and more on how our lives are so dependent on tech schedules etc. Freaked out as he was, he was so relieved to have found it PDA. I pulled in, hung up the phone, tossed my phone and put my personal things in a cheap cloth bag on my passenger seat.

1.5 hours later “does anyone have a car with a yoga magnet on it? your window has been busted out”… sure enough, stolen. Everything. Phone, purse, ipod, random “things”…I was calm the entire time and even in the seat of witness to my calamity. I was grateful and recognized the immediate teacher of the outdoor school named “non-attachment”.

I spent the entire morning calling my banking, phone companies, insurance companies, friends, studios etc to get assistance subbing my daily obligations, window repair guy, the random appointments my memory had held onto and trying to get my contacts as well as dealing with forensics. Taking deep breaths along the way in an effort to stay focused on what was priority, my friend says “everything happens in 3s…it comes back around”. I actually said out loud that I didn’t WANT a third for anyone!

It’s 620pm now and I just got word that some of my things have been recovered… I’m not entirely sure of what exactly but I’m with so much gratitude for being given an opportunity to practice in the eye of the storm and feeling as though I did so. I’m so grateful of the fact that I’ve somehow been able to USE the tools I’ve been given and APPLY them when it counted rather than freak out and then play calm when it was better than anticipated.

I’m sitting here nearing the scheduled time to meet the gal who recovered some of our things, pending a phone call on the new phone I had to buy since mine was stolen-one that was purchased with friends credit card spotting me until I have access to my accounts since my cards were stolen. And while I should be gearing up to teach soon… I have people who love and care about me enough to help cover classes, as I eat the sushi that was delivered to me for dinner from another friend (again, no means to accounts as everything has been cancelled-friends care about other friends’ grocery status apparently , and when I finish writing this… I will drive to get my things in my car that has a brand new window that was so quickly and perfectly done at a kick ass price saving me hundreds from yet another friend who made a few professional calls to help me out.

Love didn’t stop there… sweet words of support and people lending their positive energy and anything I might need… it’s actually been a really sweet day.

Non Attachment.

Then tragedy.

I sat at a friend’s private practice office all morning making phone calls and arrangements and ended up back there this afternoon in transition only to find out that an indirect friend committed suicide today.

This is where non attachment meets Impermanence in one of life’s most painful, misunderstood and confrontational forms. The details of this sudden and unnecessary death has no place in this public forum but I will share this much from the giant binoculars I got to experience “practice” through today…

8:58pm

At the end of the day, after the recovery of many of my things, the realization of what *else was taken and not returned/found… this day has cost me $1500., a lot of energy but thankfully *none of my peace.

I’m reminded that life is so short and that *things* don’t matter, PEOPLE and experiences do and that we -*I*- WANT to be awake to the goodness that surrounds my life over the inconveniences because that’s all they are. Inconveniences. The goodness of those who I love and who love and support me in return … and to let go of anything that weakens my memory and connection to these most important reminders. At the end of the day, I have my dog, my friends, my health, and many other reminders of how much I am loved and thought of.

Someone else didn’t feel these things to some capacity and lost her life today …and the many lives around her crumbled to the floor because of it.

Yoga continues to be the most telling, tough-loving and nurturing teacher I’ve ever known…she’s given me a much wider vision of which I SEE and FEEL.

All in stride. Just when I think I’ve got it all covered and understood, life hits me with a 4×4 on the head loudly reminding me that there’s so much more to learn. Likewise, when I have moments of questioning WTF it is I am doing with my life and where I’ve been or where I’ve come from, I’m reminded that eventually… all of those little steps of progress add up and come together in a beautiful and meaningful package received through new vision in how we see and receive the precious life we are here to blossom in. I’m in need of nothing.

Abundance Flows…in my heart…all around me.
Sanieh

*Photo*Focus. “You Always Remember Your First” The Rookie Triathlon Mother’s Day 2010~ In the “shoot” about to step into the water for a 2 min pause before my heat began.

So I did my first triathlon on Mother’s Day Sunday and it appears I might have a new love. Considering I had never been in the open water to practice (we aren’t counting surfing here and even still, it’s been some times since my last surf living in Austin and all) until race day and I had only been on my bike a few times at that point also; I’m thinking I could be really good at it if I actually “formally” trained. More so, I had a blast and a few “coming to Jesus” moments of personal realizations (while talking out loud to myself of course .

I was proud of myself for committing and following through with the commitment during the times that I wasn’t so sure the stresses in my life would allow it. I was proud that I had decided to step up and into my own decisions and was grateful for those who had reminded me the whole way through “you are trained far more than you are giving yourself credit for” when I felt like what I *was* doing wasn’t quite enough. I was proud of myself for showing up because I realized I showed up to MYSELF that morning and for that alone, I kicked ass.

Right before this I had entered into a pre cleanse phase in prep for a food based guided cleanse that began on Wednesday of this week. I love the idea of cleansing as means to begin again and go back to the blueprint of what the heck I’m doing in all of these areas of my life. Like the cleanse of what I’m putting in my body, I decided I would work this into other aspects of my life in phases as well.

Depending on how toxic ones body is, how much processed or fast foods one might eat, the initial stages of a cleanse can be quite uncomfortable especially in the way of addictions. Likewise, when we step into the commitment to cleanse an area of our life, we encounter similar affects depending on what the habitual addictions are. Cleansing, while so beneficial on so many levels, it’s also a process that requires patience, understanding, mindful awareness and action but also the willingness to let go and determine when it’s the right time to answer both YES and/or NO. I think about energies I put in and what energies I get back in the way of the company I keep, the offerings that I share with my job, the space I live in etc and I ask myself “what do I want from these things; from these spaces in my life?” For some of those areas, the answer screams itself to me. For other areas, I’m still sitting with the question.

For now, I start simple; reasonable. I begin with the things I have complete power and control over; like what I put in my body and that makes its way into my mind… and then my heart. Other areas include a “technology” cleanse and the creation of updated daily rituals upon rising.

As my friend, Fred reminded me recently, “Our desire to GROW trumps all.”.

It’s a work in progress and one that we must be patient with. It’s all ever changing so that requires presence also. I’m so gratful for Spring… for her constant reminders that creation and destruction come from the same place.

I sit here, committed to the process of personal growth in my life. I sit here, willing to undo it all in an attempt to GROW; to emerge from the soil…

Go inward. Trust yourself. Listen.
Blessings,
Sanieh
PS-YOGA TRANCE DANCE is Saturday May 22nd… click here for details

A very chill Iron Man bad-ass, Fred and an excited Sanieh all smiles gearing up for my first ride on my new bike...in prep for the Cycling portion of my Triathlon coming up in a few weeks

RIIIIIIIIGHT!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m really not complaining… I’ve just been SO busy with WORK and preparing for workshops, retreats and events all the way into 2011. What some people don’t realize is that being a yoga teacher involves so much more time and efforts behind the scenes of it all and that time management is a MUST… to do so successfully that is!

Now is actually a really good time to remind myself that I LOVE my life and remain in disbelief that I GET to do this for a living. I’m humbled over and over again that I GET to take care of myself doing what I love, making my own schedule and having space and room enough to explore and redefine it’s expression in the world (and travel the world!) over and over… I’m so very lucky. I’m SO very blessed.

So I’m here to touch base in my re-dedication to my blog. Expect me to become a little more regular here again very soon…

Namaste’
Sanieh

Until this weekend, I would have said Crossfit was the hardest thing I’ve ever done physically. Today, I’ll boldly say (…and I LOVE me some cross fit) while everything serves it’s purpose, it doesn’t hold a candle in terms of the mental, physical and emotional ass kicking when compared to elements this past weekend presented. Elements that included spending 3 days learning a martial arts Kata (think “sequence” here) that people study and perfect for months and even years sometimes before earning their next belt rank, with very detailed movement and intention, “mind science” (read on…this is where the real shit goes down!) and Brazilian J-jitsu (talk about confrontation…).

The Dirt

The days were from 11am to 11pm-as or late as 230 am one night. We worked our asses off something fierce…sometimes inside, sometimes outside in the heat of the day (by the water so we weren’t too upset about that…but it was HOT). On the first day, my scalp got sunburned but that would seem like a spa treatment considering. The “yoga” element is actually the very first part and the very LEAST of it (smart man, that Kancho is!). The worst of it… well, depends on who you ask and worst in terms of WHAT. For me, it was in a “mind science” session post dinner with the entire group at one of the Sensei’s homes on Saturday night. 

We were asked to share 1 limiting belief we had about ourselves. There were a few potential answers I had for this question, first one being “if only I made more money I could…” but someone else had already made similar mention and frankly, I wanted to go deeper because I’m a yogini… that’s what we do…we like to get down to the nitty dritty, right?! Helloooo self study. So I ended up saying “It’s never enough”. When promoted to go deeper/explain I shared that my limiting belief was that no matter what I do, it seems like its not enough to satisfy my attempt to fulfill my dharmic path or purpose if you will. 

 

Not a good enough answer.

While not verbatim, the response I got was “what the hell are you saying, really…not your intellect, but your heart?”.

Now at the time, I found myself searching for words to express what I was feeling because even *I* wasn’t satisfied with my response but it was the best that I knew how to give in that moment. I felt pressured and pushed and dissected and even psychoanalyzed and became frustration and under pressure. I felt myself moving into the defense as Kancho was *trying to find my breaking point, slowly but SURELY. I’m not sure where it turned but it got intense and I found myself receiving the wrath of Kancho’s intensity and self proclaimed anger. Irony was that I was being accused of being angry while being blasted by anger… Very intense and very confrontational. Initially I looked him in the eyes remaining calm saying that I might be a lot of things, but angry was not one of them. This man, a very powerful force, was backing me into a corner with my hands tied behind my back to where I eventually had no where to go and nothing left to say that would suffice all while being told “if you don’t like it, and if you can’t take it, there’s the fucking door”…more than once… to which I would stand strong saying that I chose to come there. I chose to be there. I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I didn’t know that I would be so deep in, in such a way, so that my breaking point would be found. All the while, he would remind me that intuitively, something brought me there to begin with.

My words here cannot express the intensity of what was going on in that room that night but I’ve never felt that way in my entire life. This went on for what had to have been something close to an hour. In the end, he looked me in the eyes and apologized out-loud for the moments of which he wasn’t moving from love and that he acknowledged there were moments when he was not. He acknowledged that I wasn’t OK and then petitioned others to speak up about the things that they had discovered and loved about me in such a short time. I cried more. My spirit felt broken. I’d never felt that way in my life. Confrontation and such aggressive and angry verbal assault had never expressed itself in such an intense way ever…I don’t know if I felt more abused, shamed, exhausted, stupid, bullied or just tapped out with nothing left by the end of it. It did however drained the living life out of me in that moment. 

 

 

 

I don’t bounce back from such extremes so quickly. I had another moment of recovery with another Sensei outside and then again with Kancho the following morning. We both expressed many things and while he could have gotten so much deeper with me without my being much more conscious of what I share in the future (because we all share only that which we want people to know…right?!) I realized a few things about myself that evening. One of them being perception…my perception of what happened and that some choices I made in how I responded, more than in words but how I used my words, participated in the direction of that conversation and confusion that lacked clear communication and authenticity. In retrospect, my perception has shifted as my mind becomes clearer and out of the state of consciousness I was in closer to that moment in time.

I actually mentor other yoga teachers, across the country as a matter of fact on this very topic (even offering a weekend session with Gioconda coming up on this aspect of yoga-speaking/living out TRUTH). I’m talking about being *real*. I gave the very best of what I had to give in the only way I knew how which resulted, in part, (along with Kanchos intention of finding my breaking point and then some at whatever the cost), in frustration and us going at one another when what I was trying to convey was that my limiting believe is  the experience of GRIEF over the longing of ***feeling*** that nothing I do seems to quench the feeling of there being something MORE I’m suppose to be doing with my life to make the fullest impact I’m meant to make in this world…which got mistaken for ANGER due to combined lack of communication. I learned a few very powerful things from this experience:

1) It doesn’t matter how crazy I think this persons tactics are or how hypocritical I felt them to be in the moment of intensity. What matters is that THAT exists in the world and that HIS goal (regardless of how it was conveyed on his end) was to simply get the truth out of me which I wasn’t giving…even if it wasn’t intention. More so actually… it was habit to not and to use layered words in a poor attempt to move from heart. While I wasn’t intentionally lying, the true heart feelings were clouded by…

2) Jargon talk. Yoga students and teachers are notorious for the yoga speak. Don’t get me wrong, EVERYTHING has it’s speak…but we really must be more aware of how that might fall on someones ears. I’ve been on the living yoga path for years and years and even *I* get confused with hocus pocus talk. I got an email the other day from a yoga teacher and wondered WTF they were saying to me. I honestly could not understand a word of it. Image someone ELSE trying to understand it. What’s our truth… REALLY? I didn’t intend to hide behind the words but that’s where the habit brought me; to…

3) Default answers. How many of us use the same descriptive words or languaging or words of other people (a HUGE aspect of the workshop segment coming up on speaking our truth… this is something that yoga schools don’t teach… I’m here to teach it and say  what we are not taught…and to do so through experiences and unique conversations I’ve had with some known and respected people in our field over the years that I’ll publically share in that arena… and now even more so since I was just given a rude awakening from a different perspective of it…). How many of us use words/expressions of others or beautiful poetic languaging and metaphors etc that are beautiful and meaningful but more so “borrowed” or from intellect instead of getting down and dirty and communicating from our own hearts? 

 

Again whether or not I agree with the vehicle that Kancho chose to deliver a message, I know enough to say that this is why he was so pissed off at me… he was wanting me to speak from my heart and was trying to show me where I wasn’t…when I thought I was. That’s what I got from it anyway. 

Imagine someone saying “I don’t feel qualified to do anything else with my life”. That is so very different and SURFACE and without heart where as saying “I feel like an uneducated idiot who knows nothing and will never amount to anything in my life” it what this person is REALLY saying (or something else, but you get my point) and feeling. 

While I do feel like he went full blast with me to get somewhere; he knows I’m a strong woman and said it out loud and to me personally many times over. So the next person might not have had to get it that hard to understand what his purpose was or to reach their breaking point. Now I can be a “tough love” kind of teacher at times, I’m also the strongest nurturer…but  I’ve got nothing on this one! His fire is blazing hot yet he’s just a person who wants to love and be loved too and *that also* gets put on display for all to see. I just happen to be talking about the HEAT which was the initial experience for me. While I don’t feel that this kind of wrath is always necessary, I’m able to understand that its simply his way and the way of how he has chosen to share the system which is in part, why he now personally makes calls to determine who “has what it takes” to learn this art form. In Kancho’s words 

 

 “I’m not everyone’s teacher”. 

 

The last night, after learning “sequenced” defense maneuvers in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, we each got thrown onto the mat in open rounds…taking what we had learned and seeing how fast our instincts could “save us”. This is where a lot of people’s shit comes up. Some people experience it with the standing sparring when full out with the cloves and pads but we didn’t go all out in the sparring. The Jiu-Jitsu was another one that got *me though… in a completely different way than my experience during the “mind science” Saturday night…but it all comes from the same place so mine as well be the same. I felt the fear, then heat in my body turned aggression. This is the flight or flight in us. After the first time going in, and being “choked out” when I was forced to tap out.. everyone was so great reminding us to be calm and to notice how we are approaching our opponent. We were to observe the energy we were *bringing* to the grapple and to the other person and then each got thrown in to calmly grapple Kancho and Gui… both multiple black belts in several areas of the arts between the two of them; and to note their calm and how we responded to it. Second time in, myself and the other Sensei were struggling with this… that is only natural to come out in such circumstances to the untrained. Very different than inward one pointed attention with yoga… now you must truth in another person yet protect yourself, yet remain calm without intent to harm. Kancho kept saying, “you know what to do”.  

This is the major and perhaps one of the FEW differences between yoga and the martial arts is that yoga asks us to move within and contain the energy and the arts’ energy is moving out as we *send* the energy…and with another person. I remember, when Kancho asked me what was going on during the second grapple, I said “I’m just pulling it back in, Kancho, just pulling it back in“. I was referring to how much I had to talk myself back to calm.

 

Even though I KNEW it was a controlled environment and nobody was trying to hurt me, it’s our instinct to get aggressive, angry, see red, whatever… because THAT is what saves us when our lives our on the line. The beauty to the arts, Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu in particular being known as one of the most violent forms of martial arts, is that from the outside this is how it seems… most violent. As with all of the martial arts systems, they were taught as self defense at their origin but to never use them unless absolutely necessary and furthermore as a tool in that if we can remain calm and without aggression or without intent of harming another when our lives depend on it, then we are prepared to handle life in the same fashion. If we panic, we are in worse trouble. If we second guess, we lack presence. The martial artists, the warriors, ARJUNA of the Bhagavad Gita, was taught to not fear death. In not fearing death, only then, we get out of our own way, can we fully LIVE.

 

So for those of you who have emailed, called, txt or sent Facebook messages, I’ve been a little “dark” since my return as I continue to digest. I’m excited and extremely humbled to share that during dinner Sunday night, Kancho offered me his permission to teach an “intro to Budokon” workshop even though I haven’t earned my first belt yet. 

 

***I should add in most classes or workshops, the jiu-jitsu and other elements mentioned aren’t taught to the masses… so this wouldn’t be someone’s experience in that particular case

 

When I said that I thought I wasn’t allowed to teach until after earning my first belt, he said he felt I was ready and able from what he saw and with my teaching background. While I’m thrilled and know that coming from him it really means something, I want to embody it more before doing so…so maybe in a few months. Right now, I’m considering this an element to my personal practice/sadhana.

 

Something brought me to this experience. Many “somethings” actually. The beauty that is nature shows up in many forms…sometimes it’s a beautiful spring day…sometimes people come face to face with her full force destruction. Yet it’s all nature.

As I was transitioning back home, I got a very meaningful message that read, in part: 

“…being artful at warriorship is our work. Harnessing our power and channeling it correctly in the face of whatever comes. You will be one of my best…“ 

To new experiences; exercising our bravery in facing our fears, mirror images, most beautiful and worst reflections…may we all step onto the battlefield as Arjuna did and exercise our right to live without fear of dying in whatever way that comes up for each one of us personally. 

All Love,

Sanieh… the eternal student.

I absolutely love this time of year. Nature is my refuge and the unfolding of Spring’s smells and colors remind me to be present with my day to day and within the landscape of my heart.

For the last severals weeks I’ve been contemplating “Spring inspired” questions and posing them to those with whom I share this practice. Taking a fierce inventory of what it is we are “birthing” right now and being honest with what it is that we might be resisting the birthing OF are necessary questions for Spring’s evolution; for the seedlings to come busting through the soil to come into full expression.

I’ve spent a lot of time with the “what am I resisting the birthing OF” question more than anything else and what I’ve come to is this:

1) I either don’t really want that which I’ve brought into my experience
OR
2) I do want it which then brings me back to “why am I resisting?”.

Somewhere, someone said “asking the question is half the answer”. There is transformation taking place as the call and cadence of nature changes around us…and this excites me! What equally excites me is the PROCESS of identifying my personal resistance areas and laying them to rest so that I can receive the fragrance of, with heart wide open, the many blossoms of the season.

Vasant / Spring Navaratri begins on Tuesday March 16th. This is the Hindu tradition of honoring the 9 nights of the Goddess energies of Durga, Lakshmi, and Saraswati. Saturday, March 20th marks the Vernal Equinox; the first day of Spring and also Narooz; the Persian New Year

When I was a teenager and grounded for months on end, I remember my mother once telling me “Clean your room. It’s like cleaning out your soul”. I never forgot these words of my first teacher of yoga and while I’m a bit of a renunciate anyway, the last few weeks have been one of an extreme internal calling to follow her wisdom and CLEAN/EMPTY out un-neccesary things in my life.

I spent 9.5 hours being an adult and doing taxes on Sunday instead of doing what I *really* wanted to do which was worship Sun Goddess! That aside, this was both mildly boring but felt SO good to clean the slate and enter into a new one, but the cleaning only begins there. This includes cleaning, clearing and changing my home space, my home alters (and even redefining what “alter” actually means… not to be confused with “decoration” in my book), shelves and cabinets, my refrigerator and what I put in my BODY… but also my emotional “holding” patterns and reassessing my life goals, daily intentions and spiritual practices and day to day working and non-working rituals.

In my inner and outer world, my highest intention is to see to it that my energies are aligned with Spring’s birthing through the medium that is my life’s personal manifestation and expression.

What do *you* have to clean out?
Where are *you* resisting in your life?

If you are feeling washed over by the changing expressions of nature all around us, I invite you to come celebrate the process *within*, brought to *outward expression* with Gioconda and myself at our Spring Equinox Workshop this Saturday, March 20th…the Vernal Spring Equinox, from 6-8pm at Love Yoga Coop (see my schedule page on website for more information).

Here’s to taking the time to clean out and reassess our lives and heart’s intentions.

All Love,
Sanieh